Why It’s Important to Understand a Divorce Coach’s Background
This may sound self-sabotaging coming from a divorce coach, but the profession of divorce coaching has a significant problem. Anyone can become a divorce coach, it is quite literally the Wild West.There is no one regulating body, no standards of practice, no code of ethics, and no one path to certification or licensure. You do not need a master’s in counseling or law or finance, you do not need hours and hours of supervision or consultation, and you do not need to pass a board exam.
The divorce coaching industry is completely unregulated, and this is extremely relevant to someone navigating one of life’s most disruptive and potentially destructive, life transitions. Therefore, if you are thinking about hiring a divorce coach, I think it’s only fair to explain how the industry has evolved and how to know that the divorce coach you are about to hire is a legitimate professional, as intended by the American Bar Association (ABA).
I have been observing and studying this space for years now and I am going to outline four pathways to divorce coaching and end with what I recommend for you:
The Wounded Warrior
Some coaches come from the thing itself. Divorce. During their own divorce, these coaches recognized the gap in support, struggled through it, and rebuilt into someone who knows how to help another person in that moment - because they lived it. There is something to be said about having empathy, compassion and a personal vantage point. When appropriate, my clients love when I provide anecdotes from my own experience. They feel less alone and more inspired. That said, divorces are like snowflakes, each one is different so it is important that your coach is leaning on more than personal experience alone. These coaches mean well, but personal experience can only get you so far, and I am hesitant about anyone that has not received adequate education, mentorship and consultation.
The Niching Life Coach
With the boom of the life coaching industry over the last 20 years, the International Coaching Federation (ICF) emerged as the gold standard for the life coaching industry. Even more recently, divorce coaching became a spinoff niche for life coaches, most of which had been through their own divorce and wanted to offer valuable support within a coaching framework. But technically speaking, these individuals are not divorce coaches, but rather life coaches that specialize in divorce. Again, these coaches have a lot of value to add, in fact this is how I started coaching – I trained at an ICF accredited program and then took supplementary courses to better understand divorce.
The Burnt out Professional
We are seeing more coaches coming from professions in which they feel burnt out and disillusioned. Many coaches come from the legal world — paralegals, mediators, family law attorneys who got tired of the adversarial model and wanted to actually contribute to solutions rather than increase trauma. Some come from financial planning, watching clients make poor money decisions, consumed by overwhelm and grief. And some, like myself, come from therapy, drawn to the coaching model of forward momentum and solutions, rather than making clinical diagnosis. Legal and mental health professionals are arguably the most educated and experienced divorce coaches, but the critical factor here is to know what you are getting. If your divorce coach is also a mental health professional or lawyer, they will not be able to use both hats in a coaching arrangement.
The Dispute Resolution (ADR) Trained Divorce Coach
This is, in my opinion, the gold standard of divorce coaches. You see, in 2013 the ABA recognized divorce coaching as a form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR). Essentially this means that the ABA acknowledged that when done well, divorce coaching results in cutting costs, reducing conflict and protecting families. The ABA’s formal definition of divorce coaching is, “a flexible, goal oriented process designed to support, motivate, and guide people going through divorce to make the best possible decisions for their future based on their particular needs, interests, and concerns.” Coaches that are trained as dispute resolution professionals will use a conflict-informed lens to support clients through divorce. This is critical, because while divorce is a legal process, it is mostly a conflict process and unmanaged conflict is what directly impacts time and cost to divorce. Personally, I have settled into this scope of practice because I think it is important to use the term “divorce coach” as it was intended to be.
All of these coaches have value to add. They each bring a unique angle and vantage point, but most importantly they are committed to helping you through one of life's most stressful transitions. That said, it's worth taking a few minutes to understand your coach's background before you commit. Do you want someone who focuses heavily on the business and financial side of divorce? Do you want a cheerleader in your corner? Do you want someone accustomed to holding space for heavy emotions without flinching? Do you want someone who can teach you practical skills you'll actually use? There's no wrong answer — but there can be a wrong fit. My recommendation is simple: ask. Ask about their training, their credentials, their experience. A good coach will welcome the questions and opportunity to ensure that the two of you will make a good team.
As for me? I fall into all of these categories. I have firsthand experience going through a divorce, have a clinical background as a counselor, am an ICF certified life coach, a certified divorce specialist (CDS), and have been trained by one of the only recognized ADR divorce coach training programs. If you are interested in seeing how I can help you, please contact me here for a 20 minute consultation.
